Bridge, book clubs and Story Ladies.

On keeping the good life good.

What kind of groups give shape to your friendships?

I didn’t notice them at first: four women with varying shades of gray and white hair, seated at a table near the back of the restaurant. I was meeting two friends I don’t see very often, and we were deep in conversation as soon as we sat down.

I eventually noticed the women were playing cards. Or, rather, one of my friends noticed, as our conversation turned from tell-me-about-your-trip to more substantive topics.

We are at different stages of our lives, but all three of us have begun to think about how to stay in touch with friends as kids’ activities and school connections change — and age. We see aging parents losing their longtime social networks bit by bit; we have watched friends and partners retire and contemplate how to fill days that, for decades, were filled with work. We know that, at some point, we might transition from trying to squeeze a lunch together into a busy calendar to looking at a string of too-empty days and wondering what to do to fill them.

An anonymous contributor to one of the Facebook groups I belong to called it the Winding Down Club, “where people are no longer excited about the future. Remember when we looked forward with great excitement to being with our friends and finding out what they were doing? Now what do we have — doctor appointments? Surgeries? Pictures of grandkids and planning our funeral? I am vibrant — I have so much to give, but no one wants it from me.”

Whew. What a daunting prospect.

It’s no secret that there’s a loneliness epidemic in this country, so much so that last year the Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, declared it a public health crisis. “Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight,” he said. “One that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled, and more productive lives.”

But how do you stay attached to your friends as your life changes? And how, my friend asked, do you make it happen when maybe you don’t love just picking up the phone and wading in, or even being in charge of setting up lunch dates?

That’s when we looked back across the restaurant. The lunch dishes were cleared, and we could hear the distinctive sound of cards being shuffled. “Bridge,” one of the women said when we asked, and I noticed each of them had a pencil and paper at her right hand, keeping score. “We’ve been here since 10:30 this morning,” another woman chimed in, concentrating on her cards.

Back at our table, my friends and I got to talking about how great a structured group like a bridge club could be for keeping up connections or making new ones. Or a regular mahjongg date. Or a walking group. Or even a book club, in all of its many possible incarnations, from rigid adherence to a schedule or type of book to a more flexible let’s-drink-wine-and-catch-up format.

Come to think of it, my lunch friends and I have something like that: We began meeting regularly more than 10 years ago when we worked together and each of us realized we needed accountability and support to accomplish the writing goals we had set for ourselves.

We have a twice-published author at the table now, as well as an accomplished writer and preacher. These two were among the first people I told about my idea for the Substack column you are reading right now.

We may not spend as much time on the nuts and bolts of our writing goals as we used to, but our time together is always a gift. I love knowing that I’ll always have a place to talk about whatever writing challenges — or life challenges — I’m facing, and I hope they always feel the same way about me. Though our lives (and writing goals) are quite different, it’s incredibly comforting to have that background together and trust in each other.   

We even have a name: We are the Story Ladies, thanks to the way one of our sons described our early lunches together.

I know we are not alone in finding grace and connection together. What groups have been especially meaningful to you over time? Have you started a new one recently or thought about joining something new? How did it turn out?

I hope you’ll share a comment, below.

As ever, thanks for reading.