This week my son turns 25. It’s also the week I’m figuring out how to apply for Medicare. Which is what happens when you wait until you’re nearly 40 to have a baby.
Anyway, during this momentous week, I’ve been thinking about what I wish I’d known about parenting 25 years ago. The list is long.
A few highlights:
What you do as a parent is far more powerful than what you say. I see now that he’s older that Tomas didn’t miss a trick about his parents, from the fact that his mother is compulsively punctual (so is he) to his insightful observation about me when he was 5: “Mommy, you’re not very patient.” He would certainly know.
There’s almost never a good reason to push a little kid past where he naturally wants to go. Some of my biggest parental regrets are about my need for Tomas to be better, farther along, or more skilled than he was ready to be, especially before he could decide those things for himself. The culture of achievement in our privileged circles was hard to square with the kind, trusting and tolerant child I was trying to raise. I made a lot of mistakes.
Parenting is a team sport. This one is not just about the gift of raising a son with a partner who offset my deficits in so many ways; that’s a gift that continues to this day. Beyond that, Tomas’s village is large, from the stand-in grandparents who spent every toddler Sunday evening with him to the other parents at daycare who became our family. We began by swapping camp weeks and carpools, but we became so much more for each other. Now, as he builds his adult life, they are still there for him.
He's so lucky. So am I.
I’ve also been thinking about myself at his age, what I remember, and what I want him to know.
Now might actually be a good time, since he’s getting ready to take a big leap: In the fall, he’ll begin living halfway around the world, in Lithuania, for a yearlong fellowship. It’s major-league adulting, including finding an apartment, budgeting a small salary, doing work that he doesn’t quite see clearly yet. All while learning a language — Lithuanian — that is considered to be the oldest living language in the world and is descended from Sanskrit. Really.
I know it’s thrilling and terrifying, sometimes all at once.
I remember that feeling SO well.
In 1985, when I was 25, I lived in New York City and worked as a junior editor in the then-thriving magazine publishing industry. (Think The Devil Wears Prada, but with free kitchen gadgets instead of designer clothes.) I shared a Greenwich Village apartment with two roommates. I didn’t have much money, but neither did most of my friends, so we became connoisseurs of free everything — press lunches at fancy hotels, happy hour drinks, concerts (Diana Ross in Central Park, anyone?).
I had grown up in a small city in Ohio, so moving to New York was intoxicating. I walked everywhere in my white, high-top Reeboks, met famous editors and writers, made lifelong friends and did pretty much whatever I wanted to do without asking anyone’s permission. I remember feeling desperately lucky and wildly out of my league, sometimes in the same hour.
Here’s what I wish I’d seen more clearly in my own life at 25 — and what I want to share with Tomas as he heads out for what will surely be a transformational year.
Be bold. Try not to let fear drive your decisions and relationships.
Don’t worry about looking like you don’t know what you’re doing — because there will be lots of times when you actually don’t know what you’re doing. Ask questions. Read the room. You’ll figure it out.
Learn to listen, really listen, to what people are trying to tell you. Genuine interest is one of the most attractive qualities ever.
Remember that geography really is destiny — one different decision about where to live or go to graduate school can change the entire direction of your life.
Keep in touch with your friends.
Keep in touch with your parents.
Be exactly who you are, and remember that you are loved. Unconditionally.
Happy birthday, Tomas.
This is absolutely wonderful, Leanne! You were and still are a terrific Mom!
This is so lovely! We both have July babies, only mine is turning 12 :)
What an amazing adventure for Tomas - I'm so excited for him. He lis fortunate to have such a wise mama to offer him advice, just as I know you feel lucky because of all you've learned from, through, and with him. Congratulations on a quarter-century of parenting!!