I could tell as we sat down that this was going to be an emotional conversation. She’s a new mom (her second child is just 4 months old) and I hadn’t seen her since she was pregnant with her first, now 3.
After our coffee arrived, I remembered how often we had talked about motherhood, work and the tradeoffs you make as you try to do both of them well. I wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted to talk about, but I had a pretty good idea.
She began: I remember you telling me about how you stepped away from your work when your son was young. How did you make that decision? What happened then?
We went on to have a wonderful conversation about careers, progress, anxiety and the difficult work of motherhood. We talked about how different the decisions she was making were from mine: When I decided to ask the editor of the newspaper for a three-day work week for a few of the years Tomas was a toddler, the whole trajectory of my career changed. Not to mention the huge salary cut I took, from which I never really recovered.
There wasn’t precedent for what I was asking to do back then. Now, my friend has a boss who is a mom herself and she told me that several women in her department have stepped away and come back. I could see that she was struggling with what is still such a difficult decision. Her boss may be a mom but she is also experienced and demanding, and nothing in life is certain.
As we said goodbye, I hoped whatever insight I shared with her was helpful. I drove to my office feeling grateful that she felt she could ask me about this very personal decision.
Later that same day, I sat across the table from another friend who is on the cusp of a major change. She is the CEO of a local nonprofit, a really difficult job on a good day. As we settled into our spritzers, it sounded like a lot of days recently, both personally and at the office, weren’t good days.
We talked about how I set up my (now 8-year-old) business. How scary it is to step away from something without knowing for sure how things would turn out. How invigorating, too.
I shared some of the things I wish I’d known before I decided to step away from a full-time salary (health insurance is shockingly expensive, for one). She told me about the many things she’s passionate about that don’t have anything to do with her current work. It was great to see her get excited about the future.
We promised to stay in touch.
What surprised me about both of these conversations is, well, that these women thought I could be helpful and reached out to ask some of the most difficult questions there are.
Yes, I make my living working with clients who rely on me for sound judgement and advice. But I’m more used to being the one who asks the questions, listens for what’s unsaid and moves the conversation forward.
It’s a new feeling to know that women who aren’t in my life every day would think that I could be helpful. Would trust me with their insecurities and vulnerabilities. Would think that I might have something valuable to share.
Yet it’s dawning on me that the experiences I’ve had, the relationships I’ve built and — let’s face it — the mistakes I’ve made have brought me to this point. I’m not sure I could have seen the landscape of these life-altering decisions in the same way when I was 40 or even 50. I would like to think I’ve always been open to help another human find her way, but I certainly wouldn’t have had the confidence to leap into such an important conversation or to know that I might really have something to offer.
It's yet another reason I’m grateful, really grateful, to be the age that I am, and to have had the experiences I’ve had. Most days, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Oh I so resonate with your post. Thank you for sharing your insights and feelings!!
Hi Leanne:
Thanks for your post today. I am glad these moments shake you up a bit and you learn how much knowledge, support, and experience you can offer your friends. Last night I met with my She Writes Press author friends. Our conversation reflected your thoughts. We were feeling very lucky to have strong, experienced, and supportive women in our lives. It is a venue where we talk about writing and life without censoring our thoughts or feelings. We have different skill sets , paths, and goals regarding writing. We are unified in our gratitude and trust in one another and our mutual desire for our SWP sisters to succeed. I always learn something new from our gatherings. Never underestimate what you have to offer others who reach out my friend.